[rerun] Which Fork Do I Use To Kill Myself? (Updated 12/08)

[Originally written 2005; originally posted here as a rerun last year.] This Saturday night I sat stupefied by that question. You see, I couldn’t drink myself to death, because I had to drive home. And clearly I couldn’t live any longer. Because the wedding singer had just belted out the Titanic song like Ethyl Merman with a cattle prod up her ass, and just when I dared hope, just when it seemed that it was over, she started belting it out again. In fucking Farsi. Because it was a Persian wed